Spring Fever
by Smarty Cat
Summary: [Oneshot] It's spring. Relena's ovulating, Duo's stripping, and Noin and Wufei are fighting over donuts. Fun and mayhem abound. OOC and not to be taken seriously.


**Please note: As of November 2011, ALL NEW FICS unrelated to previously posted works will be posted under the name Inverse Calico. A link is on my author profile.**

This was written in response to a challenge issued by Jooles (author of A Boarding School Facade) on the Heero and Relena ML. It is for all practical purposes a spamfic that was written solely for fun. So, yes, I do realize the characters aren't exactly behaving like their normal selves, but I hope y'all enjoy it anyway. ^_^ I do hope to have several of my other, "real" fics updated over the coming months. If you'd like to be notified when I do update, don't hesitate to drop me a line.

**Disclaimer:**Gundam Wing is owned by Sunrise and Sotsu Agency and distributed in America exclusively under license by Bandai Entertainment. They're not mine, folks. I just like to play with them. And I suppose I should put an OOC warning on this thing too... 'cause they're certainly not behaving like their normal selves! *winks*  
**Completed:**November 27, 2002

**Spring Fever**

by  
**Smarty Cat  
**  
The sun rose on yet another glorious day in Newport City. Birds twittered happily in the treetops, and bakers flung open their doors with more than the normal enthusiasm to display their wares.

Spring had sprung, and the urge to go forth and procreate had filled the denizens of the idyllic coastal town... including the group of young men squabbling among themselves for attention from one particularly famous Vice-Foreign Minister.

"You're ovulating, aren't you?" Noin remarked with obvious amusement from her place at Relena's side.

The blonde glared at her taller friend then sighed ruefully. She propped her head on her hand while idly stirring sugar into a cup of tea and inclined her head at the group ringing their sidewalk table.

"You'd think I was anyway. They're like a group of dogs fighting over a bitch in heat. Shouldn't it be exciting to watch some of the richest men in the world fight for the chance to get to talk to you first?"

"I think it's rather entertaining."

Relena snorted. "It's boring. At least when you watch paint dry you get the excitement from the fumes."

"My, someone's bitter! The right guy not among them?"

She rolled her eyes. "The right guy's never among them. The right guy is the densest man to ever have an inferiority complex."

"Try to cheer up, Relena. Things could change someday."

"Excuse me! Pardon me! Comin' through!"

The two women looked up to see a braided man bulldozing through the crowd of suitors and dragging a familiar bewildered-looking blond behind him.

"Duo?"

"Quatre!"

Noin remained seating, staring in fascination at the box of donuts that suddenly appeared in front of her, while Relena rushed to embrace the Winner heir. The squabbling suitors around them erupted in fury at the spectacle.

"Who do they think they are!"

"Well one of them is Quatre Winner."

"Not him! How dare that... that commoner touch fair Relena!"

Duo pulled away from his greeting and ushered Relena back to her seat. He gave Noin a resounding peck on the cheek and proceeded to serve the two women and one man with exaggerated gallantry. A tap on his shoulder made him look up to meet the glare of a wealthy diplomat's son.

"Why don't you run along back to where you belong and let us see to the Vice-Foreign Minister's needs?"

The braided boy appeared to mull the request over, cocking his head to one side with a thoughtful expression. "Sorry. No can do."

The other man sputtered. "You insolent laborer, where do you get off-"

"You want me to get off? Lick my tea bag, pal."

Relena looked on in humorous dismay as the diplomat's son swung at Duo, who easily dodged aside and practically danced around the other's blows. Quatre patted her soothingly on the back while Noin serenely sipped her tea.

"Duo makes quite a good cup. I wonder how he knew I like exactly two and a half sugars."

The chaos around their circle of peace erupted into an all-out brawl. Duo seemed to be enjoying himself a great deal as he cheerfully knocked heads together and twisted limbs. Relena closed her eyes and took several deep, calming breaths. It was time for Extreme Self Control.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Everyone froze except for Noin who was casually inching the donut box closer and one particular suitor who had gotten off balance in his attempt to throw a decent punch. Wufei calmly caught the incoming fist before it could connect with Duo's face and shoved the suitor back onto his rear.

"I knew I should have gotten here sooner."

Duo peered around the Chinese man curiously, noting the stunned suitor sprawled across the ground.

"Well, I'll be." He turned back to Wufei. "You saved my life. You damn sadistic bastard."

Wufei raised his eyebrows as he walked to the table and attempted to snatch the donuts from Noin. She snarled and clutched the box tightly.

"I take it this isn't one of your lucid days." It was impossible to tell whether his comment was directed to Duo or Noin, but Duo answered anyway.

"I wanted him to hit me. Then I'd be justified in hitting him back. You took away my right to defend myself. You made me a victim!"

Something suspiciously like a snort came from Quatre's side of the table, and Duo shot the innocent looking blond boy a narrow-eyed glare.

"Your idiotic antics were upsetting the Vice-Foreign Minister. Women can't function properly when they're emotional." Wufei never broke his staring contest with Noin. "He's late. Where's the present?"

"Here and now, buddy. Here and now."

"That's not what I meant."

The group of suitors had slowly began to reassemble, but the people at the table ignored the battered figures rising from the ground around them.

Relena eyed her companions suspiciously. "What present?"

Quatre answered sheepishly, "Well, we wanted to get you something nice, but the only thing we thought you'd really like was very hard to find. Trowa's supposed to be delivering it here."

Relena's eyes widened and she turned to Noin. "You knew about this?"

"Of course. Why else would I bring you out here to suffer such madness? It's certainly not for the food. Thank you for the donuts, Duo. Now if you'll just tell Wufei that they're mine..."

"Don't delude yourself woman."

"Pig."

"I'm not the one acting like an animal."

"Of course not. You're the one acting like a-"

"Just share!" Quatre snatched the box from their combined grip and handed each one a pastry. "Here."

Duo abruptly started ringing and began to go through a very interesting sequence of contortions in his attempt to find the source of the noise. The four others and the group behind him stared as he patted various parts of his anatomy before resorting to removing articles of clothing.

A tiny smile curled Relena's lips. "Now I have this mad urge to peel my pantyhose off and wave it around my head. Anyone have any small bills they wouldn't mind donating to a good cause?"

Noin nodded, a vacant stare on her face as she watched the muscular young body reveal itself, and reached absently for her purse. Wufei turned away in disgust while Quatre burned holes into the tabletop with his eyes, his face suspiciously red. The two women sighed in disappointment as finally located the source of the ringing.

"Hello? Where are you? Uh huh... Really? Yeah, I'll tell 'em. Bye." He folded up his tiny little phone and looked up at the group. "There's been a change in plans. We're heading for the summer home."

In lieu of Relena's conspicuously pink limo, the five young people piled into a battered taxi. Duo somehow managed to claim the front seat as his own while Relena and Noin were forced to sit on Quatre and Wufei in the cramped back. Duo waved cheerfully to the crestfallen suitors as they pulled away and proceeded to swap stories with the driver. The ride was torturously long for the two blonds, however, because their darker companions had brought the donuts along and were still engaged in a battle for possession.

The taxi dropped them off at a clapboard house set on a low bluff overlooking the sea. The boys and Noin removed their clothes on the porch, revealing bathing outfits while Relena looked on in bewilderment. Noin noticed her expression and fished two scraps of blue bikini out of her purse and offered them to Relena.

"You can change inside. There's a bath attached to the bedroom upstairs."

The blonde girl eyed the item warily before hesitantly accepting it and slipping in the front door. As she disappeared into the depths of the house, a tall green-eyed figure slipped out from the kitchen.

"What went wrong?" Duo demanded. "This wasn't the plan."

Trowa shrugged. "He was getting suspicious." An expression that could almost be construed as lecherous appeared on his face. "Besides I think things worked out better this way."

"That's nice," Wufei interjected. "Can we go to the beach now? I'd like to reach the surf before the screaming starts."

They all looked on in alarm as Quatre suddenly fainted.

Noin glared at the Chinese boy. "Look what you did to Quatre!"

"It's not my fault he's a weakling."

Duo shrugged as Trowa picked up the unconscious blond boy. "We'll just throw him in. That oughta bring him around."

As one they turned and sprinted for the stairs leading down to the beach.

"Don't you dare drop that box, Wufei! I'll kill you if you get my donuts all sandy and gritty!"

"Your donuts? Woman, I've already told you..."

Relena sighed as the sound of Noin yelling at Wufei grew fainter. They'd already left without her. She finally found the bathroom Noin had mentioned and locked herself in the tiled sanctuary gratefully. A few moments later she was clad in the far too tiny bikini. Relena studied her reflection with dismay, cringing at how much skin the suit showed.

"I might as well go on out before someone comes to drag me."

She opened the door and stepped out, colliding with something warm and very solid. Strong hands grabbed her shoulders painfully before releasing her as though she was made of fire, and Relena knew who she would see before she even raised her head.

Heero stared back at her with wide eyes, and a faint tinge of pink highlighted his cheeks. He could not stop his eyes from roving over the expanse of curvaceous, creamy Relena revealed before him. I'm so clothed, Heero thought smugly through the heart failure. And she's so not.

"What are you doing here?"

"Duo brought me. He didn't mention that you would be here."

"Trowa convinced me to vacation with him."

Relena suddenly had a sneaking suspicion that she knew what her present was. Or rather "who" her present was.

"I can't believe them! That they would do this to me... especially Quatre... And Wufei! He agreed to this?"

Heero watched with quiet amusement as she muttered to herself, crossing her arms oh so nicely under her breasts and pacing agitatedly. Suddenly she stopped and stared at him, her brow wrinkled curiously. He experienced a brief moment of panic when she pointed an accusing finger below his waist.

"I've never seen you wear those."

"I'm touched you've been noticing my trousers."

"Of course I don't notice your trousers! You never wear them!" She added mentally, I just notice what's in your trousers.

"They're a nice change for peacetime. Less serviceable but more comfortable than spandex."

"Take them off."

"What?"

"The Heero I know doesn't wear trousers. Take them off."

The implications of a practically naked Relena ordering him to take off his pants were almost too much for Heero to handle.

"Relena, I don't think-"

"You have no idea what my day's been like. I've been fought over, they won't share the donuts, I'm hungry, I'm stressed, I'm wearing next to nothing, and I hate it! And you won't even things up any! Please, Heero, take off the trousers."

He hesitantly put his hands on her shaking shoulders.

"Relena..."

"I'm ovulating."

"Oh god."

Anything else Heero had to say was quickly silenced by Relena's lips as they tumbled back onto the bed.

Down by the ocean, Duo grabbed Quatre before he went under and drowned as a feminine scream of ecstasy shattered the air.

Wufei shook his head in disgust from his position on a beach towel with Noin and the rapidly dwindling donuts. She swatted at him halfheartedly. "At least she's not being harassed by those rich idiots anymore."

Trowa chuckled. "Oh, that was sexual harassment alright, but in a good way."

Another yell filled the air, though this one was male and distinctly enraged.

"Yuy!"

Noin gasped. "Oh no! Zechs! We gotta distract him. Zechs!"

Wufei looked at the bit of donut in his hand and sighed heavily. "I suppose there's no help for it." He quickly crammed it into his mouth.

Noin froze in her frantic waving and slowly turned to face him. Her voice was icy. "You little worm. That was the last piece. It was mine. Give it back!"

She tackled him to the sand, gripping his head tightly in her hands, and pressing her mouth brutally onto his. Duo let out an enthusiastic whoop, and the commotion of the beach briefly drew Zechs' attention away from the house. His eyes practically glowed red as he took in the scene, and all thoughts of murdering his sister's lover were forgotten for the moment.

"CHANG!"

**More A.N.** The challenge was to use as many of the ten lines below in a Heero/Relena fic between 500 and 2000 words. (Ideally. I went slightly over the word limit. And it wasn't all that romantic... but hopefully it was funny.)  
- "Lick my tea bag, pal."  
- "You're ovulating, aren't you?"  
- I'm so clothed, Heero thought smugly through the heart failure.  
- It was time for Extreme Self Control.  
- "I'm touched you've been noticing my trousers."  
- "Now I have this mad urge to peel my pantyhose off."  
- "You saved my life. You [insert expletive] sadistic bastard."  
- "At least when you watch paint dry you get the excitement from the fumes."  
- "Oh, that was sexual harassment alright, but in a good way."  
- "I take it this isn't one of your lucid days."


End file.
